Recent discovery regarding my OCD… OMG I’m crazy!!!
OK, so I have never actually been diagnosed by anybody with a certificate that can officially tell me I’m crazy but… there really isn’t a better way to describe my weirdness. For those of you who have never known somebody with the problem, I am sure you have seen it on TV. It’s an uncontrollable obsession that manifests itself in an infinite number of ways completely varying from person to person. The commonality is, there is almost always some sort of pattern or number involved.
The reason why I feel like I have OCD is because I have rituals. Most of my rituals involve eating or food. I tend to count things and prefer everything to be in even amounts.
At work, my friends will do experiments on me. They will leave jellybeans on my desk to see how I will react to them. Sometimes just one, sometimes 2 of different colors, sometimes 2 the same color but different shade. There is always some uneven about. What they are trying to do is see how I can rationalize eating the jelly beans. Sometimes I will, sometimes I just throw them away. At any rate, they seem to be harboring my illness and I have noticed that it is getting significantly worse.
Recently on night out on the town, I had a “situation”… I was with a large group of MIPLers at Karaoke and I had decided to order some tater tots. Nobody else was eating and nothing was mentioned about sharing. I ordered the tots and they were delivered to my table with no comments or help from anybody around. A friend of mine who was familiar with my “patterns” asked for 2 tater tots! He took one, because he loves to torture me, and then stepped away from the table. As I was about to finish up my plate of tots, he came back for his second one. NO big deal. Nobody else asked, I never offered. When it came down to my final 2 tots, I tugged his arm and asked my friend if he wanted them. He said no so I picked up one and popped it into my mouth. As I was reaching for the second a woman I barely know swooped in and snagged it. As I felt a wave of panic rush over me she must have sensed it because she dropped it instantly. I blurted out no!!! What are you doing! She then picked it back up and dunked it into the ketchup… RUINED!!! The other one I ate had no ketchup! I’m still freakin out and then she says, “I thought they were for everybody!” and tries to feed it to me. My panic is now escalating, seconds feel like hours… the tot is now back on the plate and she wants to know if I am going to eat it or not. I say no! You touched it, I can’t!!! So she picks it up and pops it into her mouth. ARGGGGGGGGGGG!!!
OK, OCD aside… what normal adult with a decent amount of manners grabs food off somebody else’s plate? Let alone the last bite? COME ON!!! Completely upset I stood up, got right in her face (keep in mind I weigh like 150 lbs more than she does and I tend to look more stocky and solid than just fat!) I calmly and very sternly tell her not to ever, EVER take something off my plate again without asking! I then collected my stuff, paid for my food and left the bar!
OK so it was a little much of a reaction over a tater tot but I tell you, the rush of energy made it almost impossible to drive home. Imagine what if feels like to have a rush of adrenalin from a near miss. That’s the feeling of energy that sweeps through my body. It took several hours before the balance felt reset. It’s almost like misplaced energy. Like the need to tap your foot when your fidgety but magnified 100 times!
A few days before that fiasco, I was out and about with some friends at a dessert walk. I arrived a little late, got my dessert and sat down. As I was organizing myself I looked up and somebody commented, “So are you going to cut up your dessert and share like the rest of us did?” I froze… After a few seconds of silence and my friend Janie sitting across from me cracking up I said, “Nooooooooo…” I think people were a bit surprised that a 31 year old woman was refusing to share with the group so of course, over Janie’s laughter I had to share my secret.
It’s not a huge deal, I have some funny stories about it. Everybody reacts differently. There are always questions. Just like the girls testing me with jelly beans. A slew of scenarios are though up to see what I would and would not eat.
So here is the deal… my recent discovery regarding my OCD… OMG I’m CRAZY!!!! HAHAHA
But seriously, my patterns are self inflicted. The rules come out of my head. Therefore, I can rationalize myself into any pattern. If what I put into my mouth is my control, I can choose how I want to satisfy my rules of patterns. 2 nuts… 1 nut cut in half… a hand full of nuts split in my mouth evenly… random nuts chewed even amounts of times… it’s all my choice.
When I have a “situation” it is because something is done that from an outside catalyst that throws a curve into my pattern. An odd into my even!
So as long as I maintain my environment to avoid future situations; I won’t have any more freak outs!
HAHA, so last night at Karaoke when I sat down with my tots… I picked up the last 2 at the same time, one in each hand… showed them to Janie… smiled… popped then both into my mouth at the same time! Chewed with the tots split evenly in my mouth, even bites and even swallows. Problem solved! :0)
Here is what Wikipedia has to say about it:
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder most commonly characterized by a subject’s obsessive, distressing, intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or “rituals”) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. Thus it is an anxiety disorder. It is listed by the World Health Organization as one of the top 10 most disabling illnesses in terms of lost income and diminished quality of life.
To be diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, one must have either obsessions or compulsions alone, or obsessions and compulsions, according to the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic criteria. The Quick Reference to the diagnostic criteria from DSM-IV-TR (2000) describes these obsessions and compulsions.
Compulsions are defined by:
- Repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.
- The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive.
In addition to these criteria, at some point during the course of the disorder, the sufferer must realize that his/her obsessions or compulsions are unreasonable or excessive. Moreover, the obsessions or compulsions must be time-consuming (taking up more than one hour per day), cause distress, or cause impairment in social, occupational, or school functioning. OCD often causes feelings similar to those of depression.
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Perhaps you choose to create these small, meaningless choices because subconsciously you’ve accepted that, in reality, you have no choice at all.
Remember, denial is equally as ugly as it is beautiful.
P.s. In the truest sense of the word, you are not a confidant, simply because I hold no secrets against anyone. But it is not anyone who would care so deeply about my life, it is you. One must accept a few creative liberties in ones writing, lest anyone accuse of “not enough drama”.
hi,
there is a way to get out of it.
i was looking for photos about OCD and i accidentally ended up here.
i also have OCD. i’m from israel, and i have to say- your not alone.
keep holding on
nosoul